Footprints

I love the poem "Footprints" and have read it over and over through the years. Now it has so much more meaning to me. A higher power than I is clearly picking me up on my worst days and gently putting me down when I can again cope. How do I know this to be true? Trust me.

I was reared as a Roman Catholic and was never exposed to the various religions of the world. Religion was taught as a subject throughout grammar and high school. We never questioned, only memorized, the tenets of our faith. The good Sisters infused our young minds with horror stories that were sure to occur if you broke a commandment. Their favorite statement was "woe betide you" if you didn't listen to your parents or broke a rule at school. For years I didn't know what the words meant but they sure scared the living daylights out of me. Attending a Catholic Girls College provided the same moral structure. There I would be afforded the benefit of meeting students with an open mind. It didn't happen as most had the same background as I growing up. Moral Guidance was a biggie and I was sure they gave a course in Guilt 101.

Graduating and leaving town for a teaching job in a different state was a shock to my system. Here I was out in the world thinking black was black and white was white. Not so I soon discovered and felt the guilt permeate my being as I was faced with situations I was not prepared for. There was a constant tug of war as I began to question my faith, belief system, and the mind boggling rules of right and wrong. It was many years in the making but after reading volumes of material and learning to think for myself I came to a decision about organized religion. Thus began my quest for spirituality.

I arrived at the belief that God lives in all of us. And we all live in Him. We are put in this school called Earth to both teach and learn lessons. Sometimes the hard way. One of my children was stricken with severe diabetes at a young age. My twelve year old daughter had to deal with a rare cancer that took from her the ability to reproduce. Throughout these ordeals as a mother I learned to draw on a strength and courage that seemed to fall from the heavens. I had begun to pray in my own way. The Rosary was always a part of my life. But simply talking to the higher power I call God gave me the peace of mind needed to keep life on an even keel. I learned that it is fine to ask for an answer but it is not always the one we want to hear. Still it is an answer. A dear friend who was one of the few people I felt comfortable discussing spiritual matters with gave me some sound advice. When faced with a problem listen to your gut. What you feel in there is most often the correct and good thing to do. It never fails.

A fatal illness is a strange bedfellow. After the initial shock and grief you look at the world a little differently. Things that were of concern before have little impact on you now. Everything seems clearer and you begin to look at issues in a different way. Material blessings are great but don't hold your interest as they once did. You look at the world with all its problems and the demise of morality. We take so much for granted and never stop to say thank you. Greed and lust permeate the entire social strata from politics to entertainment. Nothing is private and personal. We are bombarded with visuals and media, pollution and noise. Our country is again at war and our sons and brothers are dying. All these thoughts are central to you now. Society is looking down the road to destruction.

These are the things I talk to God about and wonder if it will ever end. Presenting oneself at church every Sunday is wonderful for the masses and I refuse to feel guilt that I do not attend. My church is in my heart and soul and there it will stay until the end of my life. If my God should judge, let it be on who I am, how I have lived my life and what I do for others. I trust his plan for me has in some way been fulfilled. I trust He will help me die with grace and dignity. I ask strength for my family. This is my one fervent prayer.

Amen